THE PROBLEM: Most of us, at least in my generation, have spent many years and many dollars trying to uncover “the true me.” I bet you’ve been told that you have to be authentic, find your voice, and discover your true self. The reason this is so hard to do is because you don’t have one self. You have many. And you are evolving your selves every day.

THE REALITY, FOR NOW: There is a distinction between “finding yourself” versus “defining yourself.” Herminia Ibarra, author of Working Identity: Unconventional Strategies for Reinventing Your Career, claims that we not only act differently depending on where we are and who is present, our selves are always evolving and transforming. In fact, since the self is based on learned behavior and is redefined almost every day, we have the capacity to choose our “selves.” We can define who we want to be and change our identity by trying out new skills, trying on new interests and exploring new ways to think about who we are.

THE PROCESS: However, the reinvention process is not easy, Ibarra claims, requiring a long series of “small adjustments in course and deep shifts in perspective.”

BRAIN TIP #1: In order to begin to define the selves we want to be, we have to start by being present to who we are being in the moment. Then we can use this as a launching pad for expanding the view of possibility for tomorrow. We start with “who am I” so we can then define “who I might become.” Begin with a blank notebook. Label each page with a particular situation you regularly face (work, home, business meetings, family gatherings, time with friends, conversations with your partner) or a significant person in your life. Then shortly after you spend time in the locale or with the person, replay the moment as if it were a video in your head. Take notes on any habits, reactions, communication patterns, and recurring thoughts you had. Did your behavior remind you of anyone else you know? Include this in your description. Become your own mirror. This will help you begin to see the person you are being in the moment.

BRAIN TIP #2: Ask yourself if you are willing to let go of inefficient thought patterns, reactions and behaviors, really. You cannot do the work if you are not sincere about changing. You have to be willing, know that the payoff for change is worth the effort, and be ready to call on your courage to act differently in the moment. Your old habits, and old friends, have served you even if the results were negative. It might be hard to let go of both habits and people. Yet the choice is up to you. Anthony Robbins said, “It’s not what’s happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it’s your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you’re going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.

BRAIN TIP #3: You might not have a “true self” but you do have likes, dislikes, dreams, fears and things you would regret not doing before you die. If you know what you truly value and dream about, and that you want these things from the bottom of your heart, not as a result of what other people want for you, then you can fashion an identity that gives voice to your desires. Do not just focus on your strengths. Vision yourself as happy and satisfied. Then feel yourself living this picture every day. What would you be doing? Thinking? Saying? How would you go about your work? How do you spend your leisure time? How would you relate to your family and friends? Helen Douglas said, “Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action.” Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.” You can create a new identity by acting differently. Fake it until you make it, when what you dream for becomes a daily habit.

In his book, Managing People is Like Herding Cats, Warren Bennis said, “We all face the great challenge to discover our native abilities and to invent and reinvent ourselves throughout life. To be authentic is literally to be your own author, to discover your native energies and desires, and then to find your own way of acting on them. When you’ve done that, you do not exist simply to live to an image posited by the culture, family tradition, or some other authority. When you write your own life, you play the game that is natural for you to play. You keep covenant with your own promise

No go be someone else.