Last week I lashed out at a friend for not calling me when he said he would. I attacked his integrity and maturity. He responded by pointing out that I, Miss Expert in Human Behavior, was not being very emotionally intelligent. Ouch.

I had three choices in which to respond:

1. Stick to my guns, declaring that I have a right to be mad and that he is inconsiderate. I could hold on to my conviction draining the life out of our friendship.
2. Slink away, feeling guilty about not controlling my anger. As a result, I give away my power to set boundaries. He will probably do it again.
3. Forgive myself for being human and claim the courage to tell the truth about how I really feel.

I chose option number three. Once I forgave myself, I was able to admit that when I raged at him, I was really feeling hurt because he was doing something else instead of thinking of me, and I felt stupid that I waited for him to show up. When I shared my feelings, my anger subsided. In addition, I opened the door for him to explore the real reasons he acted as he did instead of making excuses.

In essence, I stopped the battle. Attacks almost always generate counterattacks. Someone has to either back down or declare an end to the relationship. Nothing gets resolved.

Now, did I forgive him for his behavior? No, it was more important for me to forgive myself for my reactions. Then the space was clear for us to talk about how we would relate to each other in the future.

When they say, "To err is human. To forgive, divine," the divine forgiveness is that which we give ourselves. Once I declared my pain and my fears and he revealed his own embarrassment and apprehension, there was no need to push each other to say, "I'm sorry." We now understood each other better, and could make choices on how we defined our relationship instead of acting on what we assumed the other was feeling.

There are two points to this story. The first is that we have to move from reacting to responding. At the root of anger is often fear. If we can find the root, and have the courage to admit to it, we have a better chance of resolving issues.

More importantly, the second point is that I handled the situation perfectly. Yes, I reacted to his actions by attacking him. Do I know that attacking rarely gets positive results? Yes. Will I ever grow up and stop reacting this way? Probably not in this lifetime. However, I reacted perfectly because I was able to forgive and tell the truth on myself.

A few weeks ago, I attended an Improv Camp in Santa Fe. In my first workshop, we had to walk around the room telling each other that we had perfect bodies. I would tell my partner how perfect I was. He or she would agree, then tell me the same. And we were right. We have perfect bodies for us right now. I also know that I treat my perfect body right by exercising, eating right and occasionally indulging in something scrumptious that makes me feel good.

In the same vein, how I deal with my anger is perfect right now. I also know that I continually work on my personal development and serenity, so my reactions have softened over the years.

People beat themselves up for not being "perfect" when there is no such thing. Relating to other human beings is a life-long learning process. All we can do is the best we have with what we know at any given moment, then forgive ourselves for being human when we are. That is perfection.

Confucius said, "The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." Give yourself permission to be wrong, the freedom to make mistakes and the courage to explore new ways of relating. Life is full of heartaches and breakthroughs as well as delight. That's what makes it perfect.

Remember, wherever you are right now is perfect because that's all there is. The present moment is real and true for you. It's your benchmark for which to evaluate your growth as a human being.

Marcia Reynolds, author of Capture the Rapture: How to Step Out of Your Head and Leap Into Life and her latest, How to Outsmart Your Brain, is the president of Covisioning, a coaching and training company focused on helping people and organizations access emotional intelligence and courage to reach their visions. You can read more about Marcia and her work at this website, www.outsmartyourbrain.com. Find out more about Marcia.