Our brains give us the abilities to reason, create, love and dream. The brain also gives us the abilities for mental self-abuse, worry, suppression and rationalization. The brain isn’t evil. It’s just trying to protect us. The primary biological function of the brain is to keep us from being harmed.

The problem is that we humans have advanced to such a degree that our brain doesn’t know the difference between physical harm and a threat to the ego. The brain releases the same chemicals that send us fighting or fleeing when it suspects possible rejection as it does when it perceives a possible blow to the head. The result: we avoid intimacy, we don’t take risks and it’s hard to keep the faith.

We can train our brains to back off. Yet to do so, we have to be aware of not only what we are thinking at any given moment, we have to be aware of what we are FEELING. The problem is that most of us have been taught to suppress our emotions, that emotions are bad and will hurt us. Therefore, we become masters at stuffing what we feel.

In fact, we become so adept at suppression, we condition our brains to numb our emotional responses, to just shut down. The more rejection and humiliation we feel in our younger years for feeling our emotions, the less we feel happiness and passion and the harder it is to socially interact with ease as we grow older.

Golda Meir said, “Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” We biologically become joyless and insensitive.

Therefore, the more we teach self-control and the suppression of negative emotions, the more we impede the positive emotions, including happiness and passion.

However, we don’t become robots either. If a strong emotion is activated against our will, we hold it in until we can’t take it any longer, raging in traffic, insulting our spouses and making our colleagues wrong whenever we get the chance. If we’re really good at swallowing our reactions, we only take them out on ourselves, leaving us angry, sick and dead at an early age.

So how can we reteach our brains to feel? We can “fire-up” the emotional center of our brain by 1) spending more time listening to others, 2) engaging in complex physical exercise (since the movement center of the brain is located next to the emotional center, it’s good to regularly participate in sports, yoga and martial arts), 3) spiritual pursuits to keep the right chemicals flowing and 4) practicing “emotional intelligence.”

Emotional intelligence is understanding what we are feeling and why so we can better choose our reactions instead of leaving them up to our brain. The skill then is not how to manage your emotions, but rather how to choose among possible reactions to the emotions that naturally exist. Talking about our needs and emotions may be uncomfortable, but the discussions lead to greater results.

Yet, people who attend my class, Accessing Emotional Intelligence, are often skeptical. One manager, Allen, spoke in a monotone. No matter how much I coaxed him, he refused to alter his expression. He told me that he had learned how to stay calm in all situations with no particular training. He did not seek training for himself, but to find ways to help those who worked for him to better deal with their emotions.

I commended him for his mastery and asked him if he had a mentor or a good book that acted as his guide. I had never met anyone who had truly reached this level of consciousness without years of guidance and practice. He responded that no one in his family every reacted to anything. This response bothered me. I then asked him if there was at least one person or situation that pushed his buttons. He said that nothing bothered him. "I just handle it," he said. He explained that getting upset wasn’t worth his time. He could better solve problems when he stayed neutral.

Again I commended him and agreed that a neutral tone improved conflict resolution. “Let me ask you two more questions,” I said. “If you still feel the same way about your temperament, then I’ll admit to being wrong.”

Allen agreed.

“You told me your son plays soccer. Can you tell me about the last time that he played so well, you burst out screaming and clapping for him?”

Allen sat quietly for a moment before he said, “It’s been a few years.”

“And when was the last time you rolled around on the floor with him, laughing so hard it hurt?” I asked.

This time his silence seemed like it went on forever. I resisted the urge to fill in the gap.

Finally, he said, “Okay, I got it.”

Allen agreed to let me coach him privately after the class. Between sessions, he kept a log of his experiences and a journal that helped him uncover how he felt about situations.

By the end of the month, Allen talked about his son with great passion. He reported not only a richness of experience in his home life, but a depth of new possibilities in both his work assignments and relationships.

Success and happiness requires you be fully alive and present, aware of your emotions, their source and their significance. Then you can choose the best course of action in the moment, to make a direct request or find a way to release the feelings and go on.

OPTIMAL PRODUCTIVE STATE

According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, we need to be aware of our emotions so that we can choose happiness whenever possible. When the body experiences pleasure, the blood freely circulates through the brain feeding creativity and clearing the way to focus on the task at hand. The chemicals and hormones released with joy activate the greatest level of mental activity. We learn best when we are having fun. We are most alive when we are happy.

All other emotions - fear, anger, frustration, stress, disappointment, resentment, even contentment - constrict or slow circulation, either diverting blood to the large muscle groups or slowing the metabolism, shrinking the capacity to think. We see fewer options, if any at all. We can only focus on one thing at a time. It takes truly loving a good challenge to engage the power of happiness under adverse conditions. For those who react with negative stress, the adversity paralyzes their brains, with fear flooding the creative center.

There are times when under stress, we focus in and accomplish great things. However, the brain can only maintain intensity fed by adrenalin for short periods of time unless helped by chemicals such as caffeine. Eventually, the body needs a rest. It will force the recess if we don’t choose to take time on our own. We burn out, becoming apathetic, depressed and often, very sick.

Additionally, the more noise present in our brains, the less capacity we have to think, learn and create. Short-term memory is not limitless. The container can only hold and process a certain amount of input at any particular time. In addition to overloading our circuits with the onslought of information being thrown at us in today’s world, the mental noise created from worries, upsets, disappointments and anxiety crowds out learning and cognition. We then can’t remember and we can’t think straight. Neurons misfire, misalign and fail to activate. We literally do not see objects and events that happen and do not hear words that are said. In short, our brains run out of space and out of gas.

On the other hand, happiness clears the mind of internal noise, freeing up space to think. More connections fire into the logical and rational centers. We gain attention and consciousness. We can better evaluate options and consequences. We have a better sense of who we are, where we are and what we are doing in the moment. We act in the Optimal Productive State.

Additionally, if we deny the existence of emotions, we lose access to the information conveyed by the energy of the emotion. Wouldn’t you rather have the option of releasing your emotions than to stuff them, leaving it to chance how they affect you?

Being emotionally intelligent means demonstrating “choice.” In fact, the root of the word “intelligent” is legere which means “choosing” and inter meaning “between.” The person evaluates circumstances in such a way that he or she sees there are options in how a situation can be viewed, and thus sees options in the possible reactions.

Therefore, I urge you to read and learn more about emotional intelligence. To start, let me give you an exercise. Every day for the next two weeks, stop what you are doing at 10am, 2pm and 7pm and write down 1) what you are doing and 2) what you are feeling. Dig deep for your feelings. There may be more than one. This exercise done over time will train your brain to be more present to your emotions. As you familiarize yourself with your emotional states, you will better understand their effect on your life. With time, you will be able to choose how you want to feel and shift your emotions at will. Becoming intimate with your emotions is the first step to feeling the freedom of choice in your life.

Excerpt from “How to Outsmart Your Brain” by Marcia Reynolds, available through this website. Or contact Marcia for more information on her personal coaching, corporate training and public retreats.

Marcia Reynolds, author of Capture the Rapture: How to Step Out of Your Head and Leap Into Life and her latest, How to Outsmart Your Brain, is the president of Covisioning, a coaching and training company focused on helping people and organizations access emotional intelligence and courage to reach their visions. You can read more about Marcia and her work at this website, www.outsmartyourbrain.com. Find out more about Marcia.