It's Saturday night. I've already watched the video, played with the cat, read a book, talked to my friend in Australia, wrote in my journal and contemplated my navel. Now I'm back at the computer passing the time until I can sleep. On the suggestion of a friend, I chose to stay in tonight instead of shop for a mate at the clubs. She said my soul mate was in me, that I needed to love being with myself before I could truly love someone else.

I now believe that who ever started the "you have to love yourself first" story must have been someone looking for a good excuse to avoid intimacy.

I'm a confident and self-sufficient woman. I love my work, my success, and my sense of humor. But I'm a failure when it comes to entertaining myself. Am I doomed to an endless string of unhealthy relationships until I come to painting my toenails?

According to the Abraham Maslow, one of our greatest humanistic psychologists, feeling love, affection and belonging is necessary sustenance before we can reach the highest levels of consciousness and wisdom. I take this to mean that escaping loneliness in the arms of a man is good for my personal growth.

So who is right, Maslow or the New-Agers? Which comes first, self-love or being loved by others?

In reality, I think Maslow was wrong. I believe that mastering the "we" is just as difficult as finding "me." In fact, self-actualization in the company of others is more difficult than self-actualizing when I'm home alone. I don't think I can come to fully understand and love myself in a vaccuum. I learn best about myself in the company of others. And the more I can learn to love others, the greater I come to loving myself.

I'm not totally debunking the "you have to love yourself first" myth. It's true that you must love at least parts of yourself in order to love another. Self-loathing is not very attractive. Yet the converse is also true: knowing that you are loved enables you to embrace the other parts of yourself. Once you recognize that someone loves you despite your fat, wrinkles, phobias and frailties, you cannot help but love yourself more.

To think you can realize your potential without the help of others is an illusion. While trying to figure out why you are here on the planet, you need someone to talk to, someone to listen, even someone to disagree with your rambling thoughts. I often need a mirror to see how much I've grown in the past year, and a compliment to acknowledge my strengths.

The True Face of Intimacy

In fact, the safer you come to feel with someone else, the more clearly you can see yourself. This is the true definition of intimacy. According to Charlotte Kasl, PhD, author of If the Buddha Dated, this release of the true self leads to love. When you're free to reveal your weaknesses and fears, you dismantle your personal censor, freeing you to take in the beauty of the moment. This is when you actualize as a human, feeling your highest potential.

Thus, intimacy brings us in closer contact with ourselves. This practice can only be done with someone else. This is best done with someone who isn't trying to fix you, listening with understanding, patience, and compassion. The experience of yourself in this space is the most exhilirating moment you'll ever feel. We all seek the freedom to be who we are in the company of others.

On the other hand, when the space between people feels unsafe, energy is dissipated as each tries to figure out what to say and do to avoid being judged unfavorably. Driven by fear, some move into patterns of avoidance. Others draw battle lines, carefully strategizing how to change the "opponent." Then we end up alone on Saturday night, numbing ourselves with the television, the computer, drugs, alcohol, cable shopping or busywork. We kill time. With it, we kill joy.

Why is loving ourselves in the company of others so hard? Our brains work very hard to keep us from being hurt. After all, in revealing ourselves to others, we risk rejection, abandonment, betrayal and a host of other painful emotions. Physical wounds heal much faster than emotional injuries. Yes, time alone can dull the pain. But leaving recuperation to the calendar is sure to result in protective scars rather than a regenerated spirit.

The more scarred-over our emotional wounds are, the fiercer is our desire to protect ourselves from intimacy. The mind jumps into hyperalert, scanning the horizon for the possibility of harm. Detecting even a faint likelihood of injury, it sends up bullet-proof walls. We mold ourselves for others and avoid conflict like the plague. The irony is that in relationship, where we are most able to come to know ourselves, we are most likely to lose ourselves.

Other relationships die before they get started. One party claims, "You're the type of person who would want me to be a certain way; and then I'd feel trapped and guilty, and soon resent you and hate myself, so why bother," when what they mean is, "I'm afraid that I'd like you and you'd hurt me."

It's no wonder so many Westerners feel lonely, including those in committed relationships. Our fear of being hurt has sabotaged our happiness by keeping us at arm's length from the joys of love.

Returning to Love

Therefore, I believe that in order to reach our highest potential, we need to open ourselves to love. The Latin translation for being alive means, literally, "being among men." Certainly, babies deprived of touch don't grow. People who live alone have the highest incidence of illness and depression. Shunning and isolation are used as extreme forms of punishment worldwide. And people with rock-solid confidence feel devastated when hurt by their "true love."

In the words of Optimal Health author Stephen Sinatra, PhD, "The denial of love, denial of human contact, and denial of emotional outlets clog the system just as surely as do fats and cholesterol." Without the bonding of flesh and spirit, one window stays closed, suffocating the soul.

Therefore sitting home on a Saturday night because you feel ugly only makes matters worse. Put on some nice clothes, call every friend you've ever crossed paths with to see who else might be moping at home, then go find a place to laugh and touch other humans.

The joy we feel while receiving love instills us with energy and a sense of significance. Opening that window, we savor life by tasting the sweetness, spiciness, and bitterness of intimacy. In loving others, we activate passion. In feeling loved, we experience joy.

To be fully alive in relationships, break the bonds of past experiences. Cast aside your unmet expectations. Clear your mind and look each person in the eye. Then either decide to stay with the soul you see or determine that your soul's flame would burn brighter elsewhere.

Consciously choosing to exist in the moment requires a substantial dose of bravery, several dashes of perseverance, and practice in the art of discovery. Yet you can always start now. The next person you see, look them in the eye. Attempt to make a special connection, imagining that you may never have another opportunity to see them. Notice the richness in every soul you meet.

I believe our purpose on this planet is to heal the wounds of the past by coming together in love. I believe I will find "me" only when I am doing "we." Maslow may turn in his grave, but I believe self-actualization can only be accomplished in the company of others. Learning to be whole within our relationships is how we come to know the honor of being human.

Marcia Reynolds, author of Capture the Rapture: How to Step Out of Your Head and Leap Into Life and her latest, How to Outsmart Your Brain, is the president of Covisioning, a coaching and training company focused on helping people and organizations access emotional intelligence and courage to reach their visions. You can read more about Marcia and her work at this website, www.outsmartyourbrain.com. Find out more about Marcia.